Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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