You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
