In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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