I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
the condom got lost in my hair
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
