i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
