I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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