On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Randomize
