Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
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