You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
We had to coat check the pizza.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
