so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
