My hand turned me down
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
