can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
