i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
