Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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