Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
