Swine flu. Run for my life!
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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