The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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