I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
