If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
