he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Who put my cat in the fridge?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
