Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
you didnt know i had herpes?
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
