my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
