Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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