guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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