I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
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Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
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I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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