My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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