another moral hangover. fuck.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
