Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
