I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
