the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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