im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
