i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
