I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
