Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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