Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
The beers last night were like the tears from god
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
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