my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
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