Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
