your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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