I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I just threw up on my dentist
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
