Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
