Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
