forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Actions speak louder than pants.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
