I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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