If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
