She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
