If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
