i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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