if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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