Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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