Don't EVER smell your tampon
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Hippo gnu deer
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
