I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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