3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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