you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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