she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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