Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
