We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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