I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
